A Bird Doesn’t Sing Because It Has An Answer, It Sings Because It Has A Song.

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Back when I was in High School, the only music I really listened to was rap and sappy R&B ballads. During that time, I enjoyed singing, but nothing more than singing loudly in the shower and being told to shut up by my parents. My stepfather, wanting to make fun of me at every possible moment, would howl like a dog every time I would sing. I’m pretty sure that if I had continued to only listen to sappy R&B ballads and rap, I’d be looked at by people today the same way the American Idol judges look at contestants who come in and sing a completely off-key, horrendous rendition of a popular song.

But instead, I ended up going to college, and branching out into other genres of music. I began listening to rock, country, folk, opera, you name it. I began studying (yes… studying) the lyricism of Bob Dylan. I began studying the vocalization of Pavarotti. I kept branching out. I kept exploring, kept shaping, kept forming, kept cultivating a new perspective on music.

For thousands of years followers of the Christian faith, like musicians, have recognized the need to keep exploring what it means to live in harmony with God and each other. This Christian faith tradition is composed of change and growth and transformation. Jesus falls into this process by calling those around him to rethink faith, and the Bible, and even what hope and love are, basically everything. He invited all these people into the endless process of working out how to live as this higher power (God) created us to live.

I feel that this challenge for Christians is to live a life filled with passion and conviction, yet remaining open and flexible… being completely cognizant of the fact that this life is not the last ‘song that is sung’ so to speak.

As we speak, this world is shifting and changing. God doesn’t change, yet the times are changing. We are learning and growing, and our so called Christian faith is animate only if it is changing, transforming, and letting go of all those things that have gotten in the way of Jesus. And the process won’t stop. I consider myself to be a part of this tradition of individuals representing this ongoing process of reformation. I feel that we need to continue to be reforming the way the Christian faith is lived out, defined, and understood by all those around us.

Many individuals have brought forth arguments stating that Jesus is a problem. The problem is not Jesus; the problem is all that comes along with Jesus.

For many individuals, when they hear the word “Christian” they think of all different images that have nothing to do with who he is or how he taught us how to live. As a Christian, I feel that this needs to change.

I recall reading once that when it comes to faith, everybody has it. People say that some individuals have faith, and others do not. It went on to say that everybody is following somebody. That what often happens is that individuals with specific beliefs or ideas about a higher power end up backed into a corner, defending their faith against the presumed rationality of other individuals, almost as if to say that they have faith and beliefs and others don’t. They further went on to say that this is not true by bringing up an example of how certain individuals believe in a creator. Some individuals believe that a higher power (creator) made us, and had plans and purposes for their creation. Other individuals believe that there is no greater meaning to life, no master plan, and that our existence is a result of completely random chance. But in the end this juxtaposition is not between perspectives of individuals with faith and without faith. One could go as far as to say that the individual, who believes that we are here by random chance and that there is no greater meaning to life, has even more beliefs than the individual who believes that there is a creator.

I once was taking part in a discussion about my faith at work, and one individual expressed their displeasure about Christians with spiritual convictions being considered closed-minded. At the very core of the Christian faith, it’s interesting to note that there is the understanding and assumption that this life isn’t all there is. There is a faith in that there is more to life than just the material things that one can sense (see, touch, hear, etc.). It would seem that for those who are opposed to the Christian world-view that there is “more” are in essence bringing up a good question of which is more close-minded. I suppose then that the atheist (one who does not believe that a God exists) has a remarkable amount of faith.

In the end, we all do follow others around us. We make decisions daily of what matters to us, of what holds value in our lives, of how we carry out our relationships, and what we do with our very lives. These decisions we make daily stem from all the beliefs we hold that line up with our existence. The beliefs had to have come from somewhere. If someone will refuse to believe that we were formed by a higher power, can they at least refuse that we were formed by this conglomeration of people, relationships, and different aspects of our lives?

Some individuals I know will tell me that they are not influenced by any other individuals or any religion or thought… that they think for themselves. This is an admirable perspective to have.  However, I’d challenge that notion that this perspective they have did indeed come from… somewhere. I like to think that in this way, we all have faith in something or somebody.

I suppose I wanted to write about this more so for my dearest friends who do not share the same perspective about faith or about God… hoping that they can understand my perspective and know that I respect their perspectives. I do not assume to push upon them my perspective as being the “right one” or the “only one.” I can only speak for myself.  As a Christian, I aim to live in the particular way that Jesus taught those around him to live. It’s not about religion. It’s simply an honest notion that all of us are living a particular ‘way.’

It just so happens to mean that I hold convictions that I aim to uphold. These convictions include generosity, compassion, and forgiveness, pursuing peace, being honest, cultivating and cherishing relationships around me (both with those who share my beliefs as well as those who do not).

Jesus isn’t about religion. I’ll be honest. I’m fed up with a lot of how religion has centered upon assuming that they know all the answers… that they can answer all questions. I’ve met individuals who talk about agreeing to follow and believe a God when they have their questions and doubts answered. But I’ll say it straight up: If I, or the church, or a religion could answer all the questions you have, we’d be God. So this Christian idea of an invitation being extended to all, is simply an invitation to follow Jesus along with all the doubts and questions, and knowing that they are looking outside of themselves for guidance. You need to understand that the Christian experience is all about questioning God. I don’t mean sitting there like a belligerent drunk and arrogantly questioning all things you don’t know(and that’s a lot), but honest, vulnerable questioning that comes from this constant struggle and ongoing change in an individual.

I’ll say it straight up. The Christian faith is going to be mysterious. This faith is about things that ultimately cannot be put into worlds. If we do ultimately put God into words, we’ve made God something that God is not. I know some individuals may not be okay with the statement that “being a Christian is more about celebrating mystery rather than conquering it.” And that’s okay. At the end of the day, I think that it is less and less about talking or reading about it. It’s more and more about the experience of the life you live. I know that, personally, I get up every day and am awed at the fact that I get to live this life that I do. Maybe some of you do too. I won’t lie. I’ve seen a lot done in the name of God or Christianity that I’m fairly sure has nothing to do with it all. I’ve had moments where I’ve gotten close to quitting it all, much in the way that you’d quit a club at school. But it’s not about religion. It’s not about a club. It’s not about knowing and understanding everything about it, prior to “joining.” There are no dues to pay. This is where this central concept of grace comes in.  It’s simply about accepting your life as grace and living it out.

Music has always been a big part of me, and much in the same way that my taste in music has not only been refined, but redefined, my perspectives in life have also changed in this way. Even as a singer, its not simply just the songs I sing. It’s how I sing them. Whether it be singing or living. Sing. Live. Continue to explore, shape, form, and cultivate your perspective on your life, that’s guided by a belief. Whether that belief is in God or in yourself, I suppose that’s for you to figure out and decide.

The journey is more important than the end or the start

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When I was a child and the only place I wanted to be was anywhere else than where I was, my mother would tell me that as I grew up, this sentiment would disappear. I’m not quite sure that this sentiment has changed, but rather the busyness of life tends to keep your mind off of it. Now that I am 25 years old, I’m tempted to think that I’m still nothing but a child. It’s a disease called restlessness that begins to manifest itself in my very bones. It’s not so much that the here and now is insufficient or unsatisfactory. It is more a feeling of left wanting. A feeling that you don’t quite belong in this place. The voice beckons and echos in your mind, and it slowly drives you crazy because you know that you may be the only one in the entire world hearing that voice.  I’m determined to figure this all out, to rediscover that very sentiment I held as a child… hoping I’ll have the very mindset of unlimited possibilities. A kind of second childhood that probably befalls more men than care to admit. For me, there’s a force stronger than anything ‘we’ can know, and I haven’t really had the time to develop the means to think. Perhaps you have feelings, and then words, and then thoughts, and you’re left knowing the journey had finally began.

Health Care Reform

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It seems that healthcare reform is the hot topic these days. I was able to spend some time addressing this topic with my father and as he shared his thoughts with me, I found them quite poignant. Much of it, i’m in line with, considering my Libertarian leanings. I thought that I’d share some of his thoughts:

First, let me frame the position from which I view the “healthcare debate.”  As you know, I believe our Founding Fathers identified the fundamental rights of US Citizens to be life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and established the Federal Government with the limited role of protecting these three rights.  I believe the current political divide in our country is the result of citizens either misinterpreting these rights or the role of government in ensuring them.

Regarding “life”, the founders adhered to the Christian belief that “thou shalt not kill.”  They empowered the Federal Government to finance and manage a military to protect US citizens from outside attack.  They empowered the State Governments to finance and manage local Law Enforcement to protect US citizens from internal attack and empowered the Federal Government to coordinate and facilitate between State Law Enforcement when the threat to citizens’ lives crossed State boundries.  Thus, I believe the Military, CIA, Coast Guard, National Guard, Border Patrol, and FBI are legitimate manifestations of this Federal mandate.  The Industrial Age brought many new products and services to US citizens, some of which could inadvertantly threaten or take a citizen’s life (eg workplace machines, autos, medicines, foods, etc.)  Representatives of the citizens who were serving in the Federal Government decided that in order to protect the citizen’s right to life, they needed to regulate these products and services of the industrial age, manifesting in the creation of various regulatory agencies such as the FDA, EPA, OSHA, NHSTA, etc.)  Provided that these new agencies of the Federal Government confine themselves to strictly protecting Life from foreign (non-US companies) or interstate (non-local businesses) attack, then perhaps this expansion of the Federal Government is legitimate.  Any agenda beyond this (eg promoting trade for US companies, making life more comfortable, etc.) is, in my opinion, counter to the principles upon which this country was founded.

Regarding “liberty”, the founders adhered to the concept of “live and let live”, provided one didn’t impinge upon another citizen’s rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  I cannot reconcile this with the fact that certain humans were enslaved in our country at its founding.  The logical argument at the time was that unlike other humans, theses slaves were animals of lower station and thus not afforded the right of liberty inalienable to man.  Clearly, this was a specious argument and slavery was not only a heinous crime against humanity but also an action that violated our founding principles.  The founders were primarily reacting to the European system of monarchies, under which the King and/or his vassels could deprive any citizen of the realm of his freedom for any reason.  The founders wanted to ensure that in the US, the powerful could not deprive the weak of their ability to move about unmolested, free to pursue their ambitions as their God given talents allowed.  While the founders envisioned that every man should enjoy the same freedom of movement, or liberty, they didn’t envision that every man would travel the same road in life nor that they were entitled to.

Regarding the “pursuit of happiness”, the founders reacted against the religious intolerance of Europe and the Middle East that had given rise to brutal periods such as the Crusades, Dark Ages, Spanish Inquisition, etc.  They invoked the “Separation of Church and State” to ensure that the Federal Government established to protect “Life” and “Liberty”, would not interfere with each citizen’s ability to whatever “Pursuit of Happiness” they desired.  Further, the founders reacted against the tyranny of taxation by any authority (in this case the King), who took taxes by threat against a citizen’s life (in this case imprisonment), in pursuit of its/his own ambitions (in this case the war against France to colonize the world and control its wealth of natural resources.)  Thus, they founded the country upon the emerging English Property Law, which ensured that a Government or citizen could not seize the Property of another citizen.  These two fundamental principles formed the bulwark of each citizen’s right to his own “pursuit of happiness.”  The founders did not pass judgement on what spirtiual pursuits or property acquisitions should make a man happy nor how he should make tradeoffs within his life to attain happiness.  Any attempt by the Federal Government to use its regulatory authority to force any citizen to pursue any product or service in order to achieve what the Federal Government deems should produce happiness would be in direct contravention to our founding fathers’ desire that all men should be free to pursue their own happiness.  Any attempt by the Federal Government to steal the property of a citizen under the threat of imprisonment (eg taxes) in order to spend it providing for other citizens what it deems should make them happy (eg social security, medicare, medicaid, food stamps, child support, education, etc) not only violates the “pursuit of happiness” of those citizens having their property stolen but also imposes the government’s version of happiness on the other citizens without their having to exercise their “pursuit” of happiness.  Thus, I believe that the NEA, SSA, Medicare Dept, Medicaid Dept, Welfare Dept, and indeed all Social Imperative Organizations, are illegitimate extensions of the Federal Government.  The funding of them through taxes consists of an illegal taking of property in violation of both “Liberty” and the “Pursuit of Happiness”.

Returning to Healthcare, I view it from the perspective of these three fundamental rights of US citizens.  Regarding “Life”, a citizen’s right is a negative right rather than a positive right.  He has the right that no other citizen or entity can take his life.  He does not have the right to life, only God can determine that right.  Thus, if one man is dying of infection and another man owns the antibiotic that can save the dying man, the dying man has no right to this “product” and the man who owns the “product” has the right to hold it unmolested.  Thus, I do not believe that any of the providers of healthcare (doctors, nurses, clinics, hospitals, pharmacies, pharmaceutical companies, etc.) can be compelled by the Federal Government to give up their products or services to any other citizen under the argument that the citizen has the right to “life.”  However, I do believe that the right of Freedom does entitle a citizen to be free to make the same trade-offs that any citizen might make in the “pursuit of happiness.”  If a citizen wants to sell all his property to buy products and services that he believes will improve his health, then he should be legally able to do this, regardless of what the Federal Government thinks.  Likewise, if he wants to sell all his property to buy products and services that he thinks will make him happy but others think will make him sick (eg tobacco, alcohol, drugs, unprotected or deviant sex, extreme sports, etc.), then he should be legally able to do this.

Examining the specifics of the “Healthcare Reform” bill, I see much that I do not like.
1. How can the Federal Government compel a citizen to buy any product or service?  If they can force a citizen to buy healthcare insurance, they can force us to buy anything they think might be good for us.
2. How can the Federal Government tax a citizen in order to provide another citizen with a product or service?  If they can raise taxes for healthcare, they can take citizen’s property for anything they deem to be in the interest of the majority.
3. The Federal Government has no idea what this new legislation will cost.  They already have two social entitlements (Social Security and Medicare) that are bankrupt and yet they want to create a third?  We arrest investment managers when they create similar Ponzi Schemes, yet the Federal Government would have us believe it is fine when they do this?
4. The bill does nothing to reform health-care.  If they cared about the health of the US citizens, they would use their regulatory power to stop the agri-industry from producing the products that are killing US citizens.  The single most effective way to improve the health of the average American is by changing their diet.  Eliminating processed foods and returning to locally grown, nutrient dense foods.
5. This bill is really about “Insurance Reform”, and even that moniker is misleading.  The bill does nothing to reduce the citizen behavior that creates ill health.  The bill does nothing to reduce the litigator behavior that increases the cost of health-care intervention.  The bill does nothing to provide medical care providers (doctors, hospitals, and pharma) with incentives to create positive health outcomes rather than to maximize the use of expensive intervention products and procedures.  The bill’s supposed insurance reform (eliminate pre-existing condition discrimination) reminds me of the Federal Government’s interference with the Flood Insurance industry, which has given rise to millionaires building McMansions on the coastline with impunity while hard working Americans living in sensible homes in sensible locations subsidize the rates.  Real Insurance Reform would have been the establishment of Catastrophic Loss policies, where a citizen could buy a stop-loss policy (say $20,000 deductible), which would insure them against a catastrophic illness or condition costing them more than $20,000, and thereby preserving their ability to remain solvent even if they were unlucky.
6. Instead of “Insurance Reform” this is really about the Federal Government expanding into the role of Healthcare Payer/Provider.  Thus, the Federal Government is experimenting with Socialism in an 18% segment of our economy.  If every other government activity (even legitimate ones such as the Military) is any indicator, Health-care will now become even more inefficient and costly that currently.  If Healthcare turns out like every other Federal Government run social service (including health-care at VA hospitals) health-care quality and efficacy will suffer dramatically.
7. Unintended Consequences.  Every major Federal Government program (stealing taxes from citizens and spending on pet projects of megalomaniac political hacks) has not only blown through its projected budgets, cuasing huge deficits, but has also produced unintended ill consequences, many more horrific than the original problem the politicians set out to address.  Welfare has produced a permanent underclass in the US suffering from violent crime, ill health, and reduced life expectancy.  In short, every Federal Government program outside of the original purview our Founding Father’s intended, has resulted in the taking of citizens lives, coercing them into a form of economic and spiritual slavery, and made them unhappy.  The Health-care Takeover will be no exception.

One unintended consequence is that this has emboldened the extremists in this country (on both the right and left.)  Further, it has caused the common working man to lose heart and hope.  He has lost his job or is in daily fear that he will.  His taxes keep rising.  Even if Federal Taxes have not yet risen, Federal Mandates forced upon the States in King George like manner while the States are suffering economic collapse similar to colonial states of yore, are resulting in the States raising property, sales, and other taxes.

There are only three reasons why a person would celebrate this Bill.
1. The person is ignorant and actually believes you can get something for nothing.
2. The person is a Democrat and, with their backs to the wall, decided that they had to pass something, anything, lest they be viewed as totally inept and expendable.
3. The person is an amoral pragmatist and reasons that since Socialism is inevitable as humans seek the lowest common denominator in their lives, it is best to have the government take over healthcare quickly so that they can go about figuring out how to survive in this brave new world.

As you can see, I am distressed by the current state of our country.  I believe we are headed for another cathartic event, similar to the American Revolution, to reinstate our citizens’ rights to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.  Hopefully, this time we’ll get it right, although I am not optimistic.           -J.M.Whiteside

Testimony Update

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Since the fall of 2009, the various graduate school Christian fellowships (Public Health, Medicine, and Nursing) at the Hopkins medical campus have really been moving and shaking in the Hopkins Medical Institute community. Over the course of the month of September, God began bringing numerous individuals into my life. I met a buddy of mine, Stephen, who has in God’s grace been a fervent leader throughout these events. It has been amazing to see God just moving on the campus. Our first event even brought together numerous physicians, professors, and health leaders to Hurd Hall in the Main Hospital. I remember vividly a point that Dr. Ben Carson (who came and attended!) spoke about. Dr. Carson made this point: “In all my years here at Hopkins, I have never seen this many numbers of Christians in any room in the hospital at one time!” I feel like this point encapsulated perfectly the sovereignty and providence of God. He’s really been moving.

In December of 2009, we had a service entitled ‘Light of the World’ in conjunction with the Unified Voices(gospel choir from Baltimore) to celebrate Christmas, and the true meaning of it. I remember that despite everyone’s busy schedule(finals time, the bustle of the holidays, etc.), the service just came together in God’s power and strength. Originally, I was to present a song through singing and piano, but a few days before the event, I was encouraged to share my testimony to the Hopkins community, as we knew that many patients would be there and the service would be broadcast in the patient’s rooms in the Main Hospital. At the time, i didn’t think too much about it, but decided that i’d simply speak about my walk of faith with Christ and my experiences over the past 8 years here at Hopkins.

Then a year later in December 2010, I ended up presenting again at the Medical Institute and shared an updated testimony. I wanted to share this testimony with you all:

MY TESTIMONY

Jae Jin, Johns Hopkins Medical Institute Staff – Jae completed his undergraduate degree at Johns Hopkins University in Public Health with a Voice Minor from the Peabody Conservatory. Upon graduation, he completed further graduate studies at the JHSPH and then began work as an Assistant Director at a community health non-profit in Howard County, Maryland focusing on Health Systems & Outcomes for vulnerable populations for a year. He then came back to the JHMI campus and is now in his second year working as a Center Manager/Supervisor of an NIH-funded P30 Center for Excellence for Cardiovascular Health in Vulnerable Populations. He intends on beginning the MPH/MBA program part time in 2011. He is involved with city/urban outreach as well as music ministry at Faith Christian Fellowship church in Baltimore, MD. He is also a leader for the Public Health Christian Fellowship, a student group member of the CCIH.

I wanted to take some time to share with you briefly of how God has worked miracles in my life and the many ways that He has blessed me, encouraged me, and continues to transform me. He has even broken me down, taking me to the brink of death numerous times, and in His grace and sovereignty, healed and lifted me.

As a believer of Christ, I can’t say I have some sort of answer or completely knowledge about suffering or of God, but I am confident in my need for a relationship with God.

I am especially encouraged and blessed to be able to share how God has moved in my life here at Johns Hopkins.

Speaking from an educational standpoint, I’ve been a student here at Hopkins for almost 8 years now. I came to Baltimore as an Undergraduate at JHU in 2003 and continued graduate studies at the Bloomberg School of Public Health. That being said, I initially came here prior to the education, under much different circumstances. On my 17th birthday, I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune blood-related disorder, and came to Johns Hopkins for the very first time as a pediatric oncology patient. Unable to undergo a bone marrow transplant, with blood counts nearing zero, and literally living day by day through numerous red blood and platelet transfusions, my doctors told me that if left untreated, this illness would lead to rapid death. At the time of diagnosis, they gave me two months to live. As my parents and I began looking into protocols and experimental treatments, an interesting experimental chemotherapy here at Johns Hopkins hospital was brought to our attention.

I knew that there was a variety of other options that were easier to get through, however I knew these would only give me a little bit more time.

While this particular treatment at Hopkins was quite demanding (as evidenced by high incidences in mortality), the protocol doctor assured me that if I were to get through this, it would lead to a durable remission. At the time, while I had gone to church all my life, I didn’t really understand my faith as I do today, especially as it relates to things like grace and what Christ’s death meant for me. I look back and am amazed at how tough those four months that I was inpatient were, especially as I did not, at that specific point in time, have a strong foundational hope for life. Besides merely trying to hang on for the sake of my family, I found myself angry at God and questioning why He was putting me through all this. Eventually, the treatment began working and as I left the hospital, God began moving and shaking in my limited view of my own life. Prior to becoming sick, I had received a congressional nomination to attend Westpoint Academy. After being released from the hospital, I was disqualified for health and began panicking about where I would go after high school. Knowing that my hopes for Westpoint were dashed, I began applying to schools in the area close to the Hopkins Medical Institute and I decided, with no credentials whatsoever, to apply to Hopkins. There were so many factors that worked against me. I was even given notice that they would have to reject me. However, one undergraduate admissions counselor at the time pushed for me (this for no reason that I could think of or comprehend). Eventually, I was offered admission weeks after the other acceptance letters were sent out. Once more, both God’s unmerited favor and His sovereignty were at work.

I look back at my time as an undergraduate at Hopkins as a time of immense suffering and growth. I find myself amazed at all the opportunities God blessed me with, especially as I realize I did not deserve. Having a second chance at living life, I began going out of my way to connect with as many individuals as I could on a deeper level, and was even blessed to be able to serve as Student Council President of my class for a few years. However, even though I found myself surrounded by people, popularity, and privilege, I still felt absolutely unsatisfied and empty. During my 2nd year, I began struggling with my faith and truly challenging myself to know what it is I believed. I tried to satisfy my inner needs of loneliness, insecurity and even fear of death. After much suffering even to the point of losing the fear of death and nearly taking my own life, I fell to my knees and asked God to have my life and do with it what He willed. I came to know Jesus Christ and accept Him as my personal savior. Oftentimes, I’ve heard that in times of suffering, God cuts your legs from under you, just so you are on your knees and you can do nothing else except pray to him. I feel that this was one of those situations. I’m not going to be able to explain how things changed or what exactly happened or occurred, but from that moment on, things began to change. I lost a lot of friends, faced some persecution, but in the end, came to know a satisfaction that was more fulfilling than anything I had tried to pursue before. The change that took place in me was a heart change that the Holy Spirit made that in turn was spilling out.

During my 3rd year, God once again moved and shook in my life. I had been out playing football and instead of coming back home with a few bumps and bruises, I found hematomas all over my body. After further tests, it was found that I was facing the exact same reality I faced five years prior. While the doctors told me that it would be much tougher and I would most likely be in the hospital much longer, I had a calm sense of peace… A peace that came from being able to truly trust God completely and put my life in His hands. The outpouring of love that the Hopkins community gave to me was staggering. My doctors, nurses, fellow students, church members, and even strangers reached out to me. I recall a specific example during all this that truly blew me away. When I was in the hospital for treatment, I remember keeping up a blog online. Obviously friends and acquaintances kept up and many left encouraging messages. However, what amazed me the most was when I would receive emails and messages from people I never knew… some who did not even believe in a higher power. I’d like to share one such excerpt from an email from a Hopkins student that I did not know. It read as follows: “Hi, my name is ___. I’m not sure why I am writing to you but it struck me as odd that you’re so happy and encouraged by your faith in God even when you’re facing the possibility of your own mortality. I’m not sure that I believe in God, but your faith in your God makes me want to know this so called God of yours. You’re in my thoughts. ” I remember bursting into tears, at the irony of God using both someone as lowly as me, as well as a situation as adverse as this, to be able to reach out to someone who did not know God.

I also want to share an interesting distinction that I wrote about in my personal reflections during that time. In a personal journal that I kept, I had drawn two lines. In between the two lines, I had written the words “SAVED by Grace.”

Above the line, I had written: At age 17, I am terrified at the prospect of dying.

Below the line, I had written: At age 20, I am SO homesick for the house of my Father.

During my time in the hospital after the relapse, I remember feeling almost in some way like Paul did. In many ways the suffering that I was going through, was to the point where I wanted to just go and be with Him. What better place is there, than to be in Heaven with God. Even if I was to get better, I would have to come back to a broken world such as this.

That being said, God wasn’t done using me. I have learned and am still continuing to learn that in His sovereignty, He is not done working in and through me. Eventually I was released from the hospital much earlier than expected and after missing a couple years, by His grace, I ended up finishing my studies, only graduating just a year behind.

Up until just a couple months ago, I was still going to the pediatric oncology outpatient clinic every week for various treatments stemming from complications of the chemotherapy. In another example of God’s grace, I have been working here at the medical institute. You may be wondering why that’s been so vital. Money has never driven me in life, but health care costs as an oncology patient have been crazy. That being said, God has even provided financially! The costs last year alone that I would have paid out of pocket had I not been employed by Hopkins would have approached close to $100,000. His grace has abounded in my life in so many ways.

While all of this tells a story of sorts about suffering that many of you may relate to (since everyone suffers), I feel that it carries no value whatsoever as a story in itself. I look back at my short life up to this point, and while many might see it as unfortunate, to me, I feel God’s immense and furious love for me. My relationship with God, or more specifically His love for me, has extended to my relationships with all the individuals that surround me in my everyday life. To be able to love a little bit more deeply is something I am so thankful to have learned. Through the continued love that my family, doctors, nurses, and all those around me show, I also see and feel God’s faithfulness in my life. He has shown me brokenness, where I understand that my life hangs by a thread… literally being in His hands.

Some have brought up the real fact that it must be hard to know that I could very well face getting sick again, but the question I pose to them is whether their own lives are guaranteed. Is tomorrow guaranteed for each and every one of you reading this now?

Furthermore, being in a place like Hopkins or any other institution of higher education can be challenging as well. Oftentimes, we can be tricked into thinking that the basis of our personal worth is in our career, possessions, talents, our reputation, and even our esteem by others. Everyone is constantly telling you how important you are to this place… to this world. But we need to stand firm before God… completely naked. We need to remind ourselves of who we really are. “I am ONE loved by Christ. Every other identity is illusion.” I feel that we are called to live our lives every day to the fullest, with love. 1 John 4:10 says that “We Love, because He first loved us.”

When we experience suffering, oftentimes, we don’t exactly know why God should allow it. Sometimes, we find out later on down the road these reasons and are able to see God’s providence, but the answer to suffering while it is happening really has no answer beyond just holding on and trusting in the assurance given to us in Romans 8:28 that God’s providence is always at work, even though we may not perceive it at that very moment. It’s not always easy to accept. But we also have the ultimate testimonial in Jesus Christ to look toward. Furthermore, even with all that has happened in my short life thus far, without the light of Jesus Christ, my life would not shine as it does. Before I came to know Christ, my sufferings held no meaning or purpose. Many could have simply limited these things as an unfortunate series of events. Through the light of Christ, I have come to joyfully suffer, trusting in God’s sovereignty, providence, and faithfulness. I would challenge you to define yourself radically as one beloved by God.

Thank you.

-Jae Jin

01-11-10 (Letting go)

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I like the way today’s date looks. 01-11-10. Beautifully structured…

Anyhow, yesterday was an extremely tough day for me. For the past few months, I have found myself bargaining with God and holding onto my selfish desires as they relate to many things in my life. But yesterday, I took that leap off the cliff and let go. While this was cathartic in many ways, it was nevertheless tough. I spent the entire day bursting into tears and crying out in prayer and going to the Word. I had not done so in so long, which reminds me further of my dissatisfaction that was building up. Around midnight, I called a close brother of mine, and we spoke for almost two hours, just talking and praying for each other. Which helped, but what was further revealed was that there is a lot that will be accomplished this year, and God definitely is breaking me down to be able to build me back up. There won’t be great things done without much suffering to refine and strengthen me. Which ironically is one of those things that you want, but don’t want.

Furthermore, one of those things I’m letting go, is the very thing I desired above all else for the past year, I think in many ways even above God. But it’s evident that God knows my very heart and ripped what I desired right away from me. I find myself struggling a lot also, with the idea that the other person might not be desiring God above all else. Which, ironically enough, leads me to ask myself, “why should I be worried about that when even I, myself, am not desiring God above all else?” This led to my wanting to make change. With this idea of letting go, comes a lot of worrying but i suppose now…  i’ve turned this person over to You, God.  Now humble me, and do what You will. And in that person as well, as scary as it might be, do the same. I cannot believe I’m asking for this, but I’ve asked God to take away all hope and confidence in myself, so that I can only hope in Christ. This is the only way that all my shortcomings can be burned away, which in turn will lead to my being built up and strengthened. Please pray for me…

I leave you with an old piece by TD Jakes:

Learn To Let Go

letting-go.jpgThere are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, “They went out from us, but they were never really part of us. If they had been, they would have stayed with us. But by leaving they made it clear that none of them were part of us.” [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s dead. You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

by: T. D. Jakes