Category Archives: About Me

Why I Drastically Changed Careers and in the Process Turned Down a Major TV Network Show

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In life, now more than ever, there are many discussions about the delicate struggle between working a job that leads to making money and doing what you’re passionate about. In the end, I don’t feel it’s so much about the outcomes, such as getting the perfect job, but the personal growth that can be achieved through times of trials and situations that stretch you. We can welcome difficulties, such as a never-ending job search, knowing that they will provide opportunities to be refined. The times where we’re pressed from all sides will serve to highlight weaknesses in our character, which we can then choose to address and work through. It’s definitely not an easy walk, but a struggle to identify our solid core and hammer out a reconstructed faith. On the other hand, we can choose to overlook these flaws of ours and just move forward. From experience, I find that if I don’t take the step to truly look at myself in the mirror, I will find myself having to go through the same lesson again sometime down the road, until I learn it and it actually does become cemented into my being. Let me take some time to expound upon this.

Writing and music, in that order, are two of my biggest passions in life. You always hear motivational speakers or read quotes about how “if you just do what you love doing, the money will follow.” While I firmly believe this, having parents who have challenged me to logically analyze both risks and rewards has also pushed me to remain even keeled and look at things from multiple perspectives.

I’m fairly certain that you can agree with me that if you ever attempt to do something you love, you will come across obstacles. Oftentimes, there will be many obstacles. I feel that positive outcomes generally result from those individuals who shift their focus from how great these obstacles are to how they react to them. For instance, let’s say you’re hiking in the woods and you’re following a given path and come across an enormous boulder. You stop and gaze at the shear massiveness of this boulder. You use your cognition to come to the conclusion that you couldn’t possibly muster up all the necessary strength in the world to be able to move it. You stop to sit down, pull out your water bottle to take a swig, and attempt to figure out this dilemma. Only two minutes pass and someone walks down that same path, stopping briefly to greet you. He gives the boulder a quick glance, and then proceeds to walk around the boulder kicking aside a few of the branches from the trees that surround the path and thinks nothing more of it.

These very paths we walk along in life will all be different, as will the sizes of the boulders (whether they be external or personal struggles). I think we can all agree upon the fact that life is a struggle and we have to keep pushing forward the best way we know how.  We can take the easy road that requires little push or choose to persevere and push with all of our might when the boulder casts its shadow upon us.  We may fail should we choose the harder road, but at least we can find out who we are, what we are made of, and possibly gain the greatest reward – not the perfect job, but satisfaction from having given it our all.

I recently read a piece in the Harvard Business Review suggesting that the basic principle concerning how you should deal with an uncertain future, is to understand that “every small, smart step you take should leave you alive to take the next step.” The ultimate beauty in this statement is that it probably speaks to each and every one of you in vastly different ways.

Personally speaking, I can pinpoint the exact time and day in December (merely four months ago) at which I took that drastic step. Maybe a breaking point of sorts, but also a kind of stepping out in faith. It was easy to see the blessings and privilege I had of even having a job, but saw the opportunity to step out in faith as something I could survive to take the next step. If I was going to invest 8 hours of my day for my career, it was important to find a way to be passionate about it. I put in my 3-month notice to end my cushy job in healthcare management and change careers. A few weeks ago, I sat down with my father and had a lengthy conversation about all this. One point he made was that it wasn’t necessarily about right or wrong decisions, but that it was vital for me to understand that with every door I chose to go through, others would close. This didn’t mean that a closed door necessarily was a wasted opportunity, but rather that I needed to be ready to be okay with gaining certain opportunities and letting others pass me by. This seemed to go against the grain of our innate humanness in wanting everything, but I realized the wisdom in the idea that all things have a balance. And with this door I closed on my career, I stepped out in faith. With a closed door, many other doors opened and life became a little bit more interesting.

One of these doors seemed quite enticing. I was in direct contact and correspondence with a major TV network for a potential spot on a major singing competition to air this year. Never have I been more torn in juxtaposing my passion with my vocation. There were so many pros and cons to weigh that the weight literally could be felt both on my shoulders and on my mind. Falling asleep became an impossible task. I spoke with mentors, professionals, close friends, and even advocates in the industry. And of course other fears arose especially since the question of profitability arises in both music and literary arts. Will you be able to make a living? Will you be able to pay your bills? Will you be able to provide for a family? Will the road you take truly satisfy you? Will you be able to stave off the temptations and challenges? Both thoughts and questions were never-ending.

I went through the challenging process of asking myself what was important to me and what kinds of things I wanted to do in my every day life. Where did I see myself down the road? Did money or fame really matter to me? The biggest aspect of my thought process came down to whether I was going to live for myself or live for others. I’d be lying if I said I solely live for others all the time, but I also know that a large part of my life story, and who I am today, is by grace. Oftentimes, the greatest reward in writing out my thoughts is that I find joy when others can connect in some way. It doesn’t have to be completely, but maybe even in just a phrase or a thought or a small set of words. I think that in this case, the difficulty of stepping out in faith seems to be something that we as individuals can connect with. But I think what I’m trying to do is emphasize the faith, no matter the outcome. Because we’re not omnipotent. Nobody can foresee the future. And one thing I’ll guarantee you is that things will never go the way we plan.

I made a decision to pass on one door and proceed through another. I decided to go ahead and attempt to do something where I could live each and every day connecting with others and attempting to push myself to be compassionate toward others. All this also had to have an element of continuing to cultivate my craft. No matter what my “job title” would be, I knew that I would be spending a small part of each day continuing to work at my craft, in not only writing and in music, but in connecting with other individuals I came across in life. After all, through the very passions I have for writing and music, I have been afforded the privilege of connecting with others.

Just this week, I officially began my new position with a top non-profit organization working in business development and media for social enterprise, which is something I have wanted to do for quite some time. While many might turn their attention to the fact that I may have potentially turned down a once-in-a-life music opportunity that could have come with a lot of exposure, I look past whether I made the right or wrong decision, instead to my thankful heart and the perspective I still hold of all that is good in my life and of all the wonderful people in it. Life isn’t perfect nor is it easy, but my joy isn’t found in circumstances, but rather in my personal faith in God. Again, I understand that it can be a difficult thing to step out in faith if your happiness is tied to circumstances, but sometimes its easy to step out in faith when your joy looks past those circumstances. For me, there is no looking back. I absolutely believe that there will be even greater opportunities. Not only will I be doing work focusing on others in something I’m passionate about, I’ll still have the opportunity to make music and write. This isn’t an autobiography. I’m fairly certain my life is only getting started.

If you are still reading this, I appreciate your time and willingness to let me be vulnerable in sharing my thoughts with you and updating you on my personal life. My challenge to you is this:  Do not let your life slip away because of your fears. We need to believe in something beyond outcomes. That being said, it’s also important to firmly connect what you’re passionate about with what truly matters to you and brings you true joy. I feel that connecting as human beings in this lifetime is one of the greatest gifts we’ve been given. As cliché as this will sound, it makes you even richer than even the winners of the recent mega-millions jackpot. After all, winning a lottery doesn’t always mean an easy life moving forward. Take the time to connect with those around you. Use your vocation to do it, and use your passions to do it. Setting outcomes aside, keep faith as you do these things and most importantly, give it your all. 

On Self Promotion: I can bench 475 lbs now?!?

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Self Promotion

If you are reading this, you’ve given into a technique of shameless self-promotion, and while you probably could have easily ignored this post and written it off as self-adulation, you are hopefully intrigued enough to hear out what I have to say. Self promotion is a topic that I feel like everyone will be able to relate to in some form or other. It’s also something one definitely needs, but needs to be careful how to go about doing it.

Sadly, I should admit up front that I cannot bench 475 nor will I probably ever. Not that you probably couldn’t already figure that out by taking a look at me… Anyhow, I recently found myself re-thinking this idea of self-promotion.

In the past few weeks, I’ve been made aware of a few novel truths about myself. First, a close co-worker of mine stated that one of my strengths was that I am “creative.” I can only recall being called creative only once in my life and that was that time in 2nd grade when we had an old substitute teacher and I proceeded to quietly pass a note around the room that read: ‘Drop your textbook on the floor at 1PM.’ Pretty soon, every kid in class was watching the seconds tick off from 12:59 and as that clock hand hit that magic number, I was elated at the magnificently loud sound of textbooks hitting the floor coupled with the sheer magnitude of the substitute teacher’s frightening scream. My trip to the principal’s office was so worth it, and my ego grew just a little bit as I sat there being told that my actions were absolutely unacceptable, yet absolutely creative for someone my age. My luck since then, is a whole other story.

Being that this is the only time I can remember being called creative, I asked my co-worker to expound upon her statement. And then I realized that she was speaking about this dogmatic thinking that individuals in various careers are either creative or critical. I would imagine that most in my field of academia, sciences, and healthcare lean toward the critical side. Anyhow, it seems that those who surround me at work are individuals who have used their critical thinking skills to get to where they are. PhDs, MDs, PharmDs, RNs, you name it. I suppose these individuals don’t really need to self-promote since they have this “badge” of self-promotion right next to their names. So we come back to this concept of self-promotion. I have always heard that if you are in a creative field or working in something like music, you need to self promote to develop a following for your creative work. Of course there is a clear line between self-promotion and self-adulation. Self-adulation is technically defined as the “excessive admiration of one self.” That definition alone makes me cringe. Self-promotion should be an art of spreading ideas, concepts, and one’s own vision.

This past weekend, I was in NYC for a wedding, and I was talking to a good buddy of mine from college. While he is currently pursuing his degree at a prestigious law school, he is one of the most creative guys I know. And so when I made a coy suggestion that he use YouTube to get his humorous ideas out to the public, he replied to me “No way, I don’t ever want to self promote myself like that. It’s just not something I would do.” I understood his sentiments, but my heart sank because as a musician, one of the main avenues of building up a following of listeners has been to use YouTube. And this got me thinking. I’ve just been doing what others are doing, by setting up Twitters, YouTubes, and even Facebook Pages, but then why was I feeling so guilty? I put myself into other people’s shoes, and was horrified at this prospect that they might just see this as some sort of insecurity or self-boasting. Furthermore, I could just hear the thoughts going through people’s minds: “Who does he think he is?” coupled with the harmless-yet-malicious ‘eye-rolling’.

It is actually pretty funny because if you talk to “communication experts” (really?), they say that the magic number is to self-promote 20% of the time. They will tell you that self-promotion is NOT an instinctive behavior, but rather an art form that requires refinement through trial-and-error. It is deemed an “important skill to master” which makes sense since nobody likes someone who brags all the time. I don’t know about you, but we live in some tricky times. We live in the United States where you are supposed to be bold and chase your dreams. A perfect picture of this is when you see athletes in jubilation when they reach their title aspirations. Yet we are touched by humbleness and humility. We do indeed live in a digital age where self-promotion has become so accessible and personal branding is considered a skill set.

Online self-promotion is even more complicated because it begins as a one-sided discussion of sorts. For instance, this blog… I throw myself out there, attempting to stand out amongst the masses, drawing attention to a glimpse into my thoughts and ideas. But in doing so, I’ve learned a pretty important lesson. No amount of writing skills or expertise can be crafted into entries that serve as a personal statement of who I truly am. I need to cultivate conversations/discussions and develop relationships through interactions and engaging with my would-be readers.

I recently met up with a friend I had not seen in maybe 6 years. We had kept in touch through online means over the years, and it was wonderful catching up. It is interesting though, because at one point in the conversation, he said to me “You know, it’s funny because in person, you’re very different than how I imagined you to be now.” I understood that it is quite easy for a person like him who does not interact with me every day, to draw conclusions and assume certain things about me (both good and bad), since they have but only certain mediums from which to draw these conclusions. Which brings us full circle to the medium of how one projects oneself. While we cannot control how others will perceive us, there is definitely merit in not only being transparent in my writing but also being intentional and authentic in the relationships I cultivate. Basically, self-promotion doesn’t end with the delivery of a message. You must maintain relationships.

I am indeed thankful that I have been blessed with the opportunity to cultivate relationships with others in person, but I was quite taken aback because I realized that oftentimes when people write about their own thoughts and feelings, it is usually so much easier to write about just the positives and exaggerate successes and strengths. Instead, the focus should be on a set vision and ideas. But I truly do believe that if you have your own vision and set of ideas and carry yourself both confidently and authentically, people will either love you or hate you for it. It has been said that the main rule of self-promotion is to “be the best version of yourself.”

I feel that conversing with individuals in person is a much easier medium than online to talk about feelings or personal struggles and/or faults. In some ways, I think it has been quite freeing and cathartic these past few months to write more from a combination of my heart and my ideas, mixing into it a sense of vulnerability (as seen in my previous entry about loneliness). (Shameless self-promotion within a written piece about self-promotion. Yes, this is what they call ultimate irony.) It is a personal challenge of mine to attempt to approach writing in this way… to approach it with both humility and authenticity.

So, one positive way of looking at self-promotion is the investment of one’s own time into a conversation which in turn will inspire hope, thought, or action in the other individual, and then in turn that individual will pass this along. In ironic fashion, the best self-promotion is the promotion done by others, not by self. Of course, it is important to note that this description is of my own sense of self-promotion and what it should be. So following in that line of thinking, I feel that the take-home point is that if everyone is a self-proclaimed expert and there is no shortage of hyperbole in everyday conversations, then the individual who represents their own self but also at the same time exercises both a sense of transparency and also a balance of authenticity and humility will be most respected.

26 Reflections On Turning 26.

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This Saturday, I will be 26 years of age. I don’t really make a big deal out of my birthday. I do still remember the most important lesson about “birthdays” that I ever had. The first year my mother married my stepfather, it was my 14th birthday. My stepfather came home from work that day with a bouquet of flowers in his arms.

“But I’m a man!  Flowers look nice, but I’m not sure that’s what I exactly wanted for my birthday,” I said, with the right amount of dramatic hesitation.

With a surprised look on his face, he quickly replied, “Who said you’re getting a present for your birthday? Who did all the work when you were born? Who went through all the pain? These flowers are for your mother!”

I really couldn’t argue with that, so I slowly, sulked my way back to my room, as he handed the bouquet to my mother giving her a kiss on the cheek.  I really DO hope that I’ll be half the man my stepfather is, when get to eventually be his age.

Here are 26 thoughts and reflections as I turn 26. I’ll start with the misfortunes of turning 26, and move toward the fortunes and blessings of doing so. By the way, thank you all for taking the time to read this blog and be a part of my life. If you know me personally, you’ve helped to mold and shape me in some way or other. I feel truly blessed to reach the age of 26.

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1. No Free Lunch. Don’t believe anyone when they tell you, at age 21, that you’re an adult. That’s bullsh*t. Especially in this day and age. At age 26, you still aren’t an adult, but you’re darn sure expected to be one. No asking for or borrowing money from your parents. No excuse paying your bills in an untimely manner. No staying out late/drinking on a weekday night, with work the next morning. No unemployment(unless you are in a graduate school well on your way to being one of the Asian “3″: Doctor/Lawyer/Businessman). No moving back home. You’ve gotta be a grown-up.

2. No Looking Forward to Specific Ages as they relate to Laws. At age 18, if you were into lung abuse, you could buy cigarettes. You could also legally buy pornography, which also proved you were from the stone age and hadn’t heard of something called the Internet. At age 21, you could finally buy/drink alcohol. If you ended up going to college, chances were that aside from studies, you also were taught and socially encouraged to break this law often. Then just last year, I was elated to find that I could legally rent a car on my own… and then ZipCar got really big.

3. Employment Equals Social Status, not Money. Thankfully my $160,000 education from a prestigious University didn’t go toward flipping burgers at McDonalds, but by age 26, your job has to be more than a job.  Many of my peers were part of the unfortunate group that graduated with the economical instability, and many worthy candidates, were left jobless. That didn’t stop people from finding tutoring jobs, or going off to other countries to teach English making $50,000+ a year(i’m sorry, but I REALLY loathe this. But that can be a topic for a future post). Nevertheless, you get this sort of grace period to find a steady job, and by 26, you hope that you can confidently answer the very first, often asked question posed by individuals of your same age or older when first meeting them.

4. The Idea of Sports–both played and watched– Changes. You realize it the day after an intense basketball game on the courts. Your body is sore. I’m not talking about the good type of sore normally coming after a great workout. I’m talking about the Oh-crap-you’re-getting-older-and-your-body-is-now-starting-to-break-down-a-little-bit-each-year-for-the-rest-of-your-life kind of sore. I suppose all that was to be expected, but then even watching sports completely changes. Just last week, I was at a sports bar with friends, watching Lebron James play against the Orlando Magic. He rose up through the air and dunked on on some 6’6 opponent. This is a guy you look up to and idolize right? Wrong. Lebron James is younger than I am. This SEEMS wrong because he sure as hell doesn’t LOOK younger than me. Don’t even get me started on Greg Oden and how old HE looks… ((google search him, if you don’t know who he is.))

5. What The Heck Is My Dad Listening To? By 26, you are most likely listening to a few of those bands that your parents listened to. Growing up, I would tease my stepfather about Pink Floyd. I mean come on… sounds like a girly band. I would hear Michael Jackson on our stereo at home and i swore it was a girl singing. Fast forward 15 years, and I already consider Michael Jackson one of my biggest musical influences, and I’m starting to listen to more and more music that I used to make fun of my parents about. It’s even almost endearing to be able to share a musical taste with one of your parents. Something about sitting in a car and having a song come on the radio, that both of you actually like. Neither of you hits the change channel button. You quietly just bob your head, and have a nice family conversation(without the words.)

6. You Really Aren’t All That. With the rising of your age, coupled with the rise of Youtube, you realize that you really aren’t all that talented. I like to sing. Who cares? There’s some random 7 year old that just belted the same song you tend to audition with, and SHE blew your version out of the water. People think I can play the piano a little bit. Who cares? There’s that Chinese guy that plays with his feet only. Forget talents… even everyday things! Can you clap? Have you ever given a round of applause?  Yeah? But can you clap 14 times in one second?

7. Rest>>>Good Time Feel free to replace the “greater than” symbol with an “equal” symbol if you want. They’re really interchangeable by the time you’re 26. Halloween recently went by. One week prior, I had about 3-4 invites to parties or “Halloween events.” We had 3 (I REPEAT, THREE!!) nights/opportunities to celebrate Halloween during that weekend. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Let’s see. Friday night, cleaned my place and slept early. Saturday night, went for a nice run and slept early. Sunday night, cooked and got ready for the work week. If we had a 2nd Halloween this coming weekend, i’d probably do the very same thing. Sigh…

8. How Old Are You? If you were to ask a bunch of strangers how old they think you were, you would get a graphed plot so scattered that you could connect the dots and draw the Cool-Aid man. Seriously, I’ve gotten anywhere from College Freshman to Ahjuhshi (Korean word: 아저씨 which is something you call a guy who seems A LOT older than you). It’s also a nagging reminder that you’re just some random faceless person born sometime in the 80s. You don’t really fit in. Kinda like this:

9. You Will Stop At No End to Stay Youthful. You remember that time you hung out with your friends at the sports card store and were talking to each other about how great of a QB Troy Aikman was? And then that weird creepy 26 year old dude came in, and asked you guys, “How about that Roger Staubach? Great QB, am I right?” And then you and your friends looked at each other and walked over to the basketball card table? Well you are now that guy. Only 4 years ago, you were 4 years removed from high school, getting ready to finish college, and still knew the pop culture, fashion trends, and cool shows on TV. Now, you’re 8 years removed from HS and clueless. Maybe being clueless isn’t SO bad. As a male, you refuse to start watching Glee, no matter what all the media/girls/gay guy friends say about it. Note: Apologies to all you straight fellas who watch it. I don’t judge… but yes, others do ;)

10. After 26 Years, You Still Pretty Much Look The Same. For a large majority of individuals, you can look at their baby pictures and people pretty much look the same, minus the horrible clothes your mother used to dress you up in. Even then, in the end, things don’t change much… including maturity level.

11. Not Everyone Is Going To Like You. I think that one of the key lessons people learn as they grow up, is to master the hard task of figuring out how to not worry about what others think. In the end, It’s extremely hard. Almost impossible. But when you can let go of holding expectations of others, and just meet everyone else where they’re at. You can only hope to be yourself, and those that matter, will meet you where you’re at too.

12. The Truth About Females. They always say that females mature faster than males. At age 26, I am not going to act like I’ve figured out females. Most can’t even figure each other out. But what I have come to respect about the opposite sex, is that for all the things about women that men complain about , they generally all tend to be good at knowing what they want.

13. Independence Feels Good. At age 26, you’ve had 4 years(that’s the same number of years most people spend in college) to grow out of your collegiate ways and learn(struggle) to take care of yourself. But when I look back at this past year, I realize I’ve been paying my rent on my own for years. I’ve been doing my own taxes, paying all my bills, paying medical bills, scheduling/making appointments… i mean, I’m completely self-reliant. It’s not easy, but it’s a good feeling. I remember once reading that if a man finds no satisfaction in himself, he seeks for it in vain elsewhere. So basically, if you want to set up an equation for adulthood, it’s pretty simple:  self-discipline + self-reliance = adulthood. And then once you figure out how to balance the two and develop each, that would be maturity.

14. It Only Gets Harder to Make New Friends. This is a pretty key reflection up to this point in my life. As you get older, it’s going to be tough to make new close friends. I’m not just talking about meeting new people. If you can bring yourself to make an effort to go out, you’ll meet new people. I ride a charter bus to get to work every day, and I’ve had the pleasure of meeting new people quite often. That being said, the friends I’ve kept through the years, are few yet as I get older, I’m more intentional about “keeping” them. I realize that as life gets busier, it’s easy to lose touch. It’s easy to let days, weeks, months go by. It’s a reality: Work and family obligations keep individuals very busy these days. But go out of your way to make it a point to set up times to talk. Don’t just email or text message. Make it a point to just go out of your way to drop in on someone’s life randomly and let them know that something reminded you of them. Doing this can seriously make a person’s day and it’s quite lasting. Relationships take effort. It’s common sense. Oh, one more thing. People come and go in your life, and some come back. Accept them with open arms. On your end, be willing to swallow your pride and let bygones be bygones. Life’s too short to hold onto grudges.

15. Never Settle. At 26, I’ve learned an important lesson that actually extends in numerous ways. Never settle. Not in relationships. Not in a job. Not in your current state, whatever that may be. Basically, never.

16. Reading. As I’ve said many times before in this blog, reading is vitally important. As I look back at the last 26 years of life, I wish I could go back to my youth when I could literally get lost in books. While many would say that technology like Kindles make reading easier, it just makes reading turn into an ADD activity. Too often, I hear from Kindle/iPhone Books users who say they bought  a book, got through a little, and then stopped. Much of that is due to this fast paced lifestyle of reading bits and pieces at a time on public transportation or waiting for an appointment. What I’ve learned, in coming across many successful individuals, is that anyone who has been successful in anything was a big reader.

17. Money Doesn’t Matter As Much As You Think. The biggest thing I’ve learned by age 26 regarding money, is that you REALLY don’t need all that much to live comfortably and happily. I’d guesstimate that you may not need all that much more than 35k or 40k to do so. I firmly believe the strong correlation that the more you make, the more you spend. It’s often true. Our culture subliminally sends this message. In the end, money isn’t everything. Even cars. Even if you drive a crazy nice car, honestly the novelty of it rubs off pretty quickly, and you’re left wanting something better or different. Money is just like that. The more you have, the more you want. And in the end, you don’t even need all that much to be happy and content.

18. By Helping Others Get/Do What They Want, You Somehow Will Get What You Want(…Even If You Don’t Necessarily Know That You Want It At That Time). This is pretty self explanatory, but in my short 26 years of life, this is a truth that I’ve found.

19. Change Your Mindset To Reflect This: Value, Not Cost. Economics aside, in the end, it’s really about the value of things, rather than cost. I have an odd system where I’ll be frugal about certain things, and less frugal about others. It’s all about value, and lucky for you, just like beauty, value is in the eye of the beholder.

20. At 26, Changing The World. You grow up hearing things like “YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD!” or Gandhi’s quote “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Thus far, what I’ve found is that the world is in your head. It’s what you make of it, or how you see it. And in that sense, you can indeed change the world. I know this sounds cliche, but in believing in yourself, that first key step leads to changes, that ironically do start to change those around you… and in turn, changes the environment you live in(i.e. the world.)

21. Give Thanks. One of the most useful lessons  in life, I learned when I was young. When my stepfather was growing up as the eldest of 4 boys, his father taught him an important lesson, which in turn was passed down to me. Every Christmas morning, they would open their gifts, but before they were allowed to play with their toys, they were ordered to sit at the dining room table, and write out thank you cards to every individual that gave them a gift. My stepfather passed this down to me, and went even further, by stating that if any kind act was done, whether it was someone buying me food or giving me a ride, I was to make sure to sit down at a table in my house that same day, and write/send a thank you card. Not an email. Not a text message. But a good old-fashioned thank you card.

22. The Art of Letting Go. In turning 26, I’ve had the (mis)fortune of experiencing many things. Loving, being loved, getting hurt, hurting others, etc. From all of these things, I’m slowly learning the art of letting go. Sometimes, life’s just easier that way. You let go of things. Sometimes they’ll come back. Sometimes they won’t because better things are on their way. Sometimes people are placed in your life for a specific amount of time. But you aren’t God so you really can’t see the big picture. All you do is learn to let go, and move forward looking forward.

23. “Find Something You’re Good At, And Get Someone To Pay You To Do It.” I’m pretty sure all of you have maybe heard this quote, but if you haven’t, it’s probably one of the most commonsensical yet genius things I’ve ever heard. I’ve allowed this to guide me in some way or fashion to the creative endeavors I pursue in music, writing, and other things in life. I’m still young, but it’s starting to pay off.

24. It’s Okay To Be Extreme. I’ve learned that I’m a pretty “extreme” sort of guy. In the sense that I’m always on the extremes. If I like something, I really like it. If I don’t, I really don’t. Same goes for things i’m passionate about. I’m not sure it’s a good thing. But it’s who I am. You are who you are. You can be who you are. And that’s always okay.

25. Birthday Excitement Has An Inverse Relationship with Age. Birthdays were so much better when you were a little kid. You could get together with your buddies and have a sleep over, sneaking out at night to walk 5 miles to the 7-11 to eat those Neon Yellow-colored nachos and slurpees. You could blow out candles on a birthday cake. Although you know there was always that one birthday kid, whose birthday party you went to, and he/she ALWAYS spit all over the damn cake while blowing out candles.

26. “All The World Is Birthday Cake, So Take A Piece, But Not Too Much.” In my short 26 years of life, I’ve also learned the importance of everything in moderation. It’s all about balance. In the end, we all want it, and move toward it. Sometimes we fall, but then we get back up and recorrect ourselves. That’s the beauty of the human spirit. I’m not sure what the next year holds for me, but I know that it’ll be good in the big picture of things. They always say that in leadership, you can never go wrong leaving the listeners(or readers) with an Abraham Lincoln quote so here goes:

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”

I feel blessed to have been able to live to see my 26th year of life.

What I’ve Learned: Jae Jin, 25, Baltimore, MD

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Jae Jin, 25, Baltimore

>I have a deep respect for social graces. How one should pass both the salt and pepper together. How not to yell across a room. Opening doors. Pulling out chairs. Arising from your seat when necessary, whether it’s a dinner table or a crowded bus. It is a lost language and I thank my stepfather for showing me these things. And no, they are not abstract at all.

>A sense of style is something I like to think that I have. I’ve actually probably been complimented for my style as much as i’ve been criticized for it. I think that’s proof enough, since there’s a big difference between fashion and style. Fashion comes and goes, while style is quite individualistic.

>I can’t wait till I grow out of talking like I know everything about something, when I really don’t. I like to think i’m growing out of this, but this could just mean i’m back to square one.

>Family can be filled with irony. Without the strong foundation of a family, it’s hard to be a balanced individual. But there’s no such thing as a perfect family. Actually I imagine that the family was strong because of all the struggles and flaws that both occurred and existed in each member of it.

>One of the many things that my illness has taught me is a degree of death. It’s about losing something, and whenever you lose something, it’s a step toward death. So if you can accept this loss, you can accept the fact that there is going to be the ‘biggest’ loss. Once you are able to accept that loss, you can pretty much accept anything. And then that translates into relationships. I give myself a break, and I give everyone around me a break as well.

>I truly believe that the root of almost all of my problems comes from my mother. I like to think that all men inherit both their temper and pride in large part, if not completely, from their mothers. Mothers are that important. I love and respect no one more than I do my mother.

>Many people around me have higher life expectancies than I do. Many of these people don’t even realize that they haven’t begun to live.

>As I get older, I find that in the right company, alcohol actually does taste better, regardless of its quality.

>Discipline has its merits. If I did something wrong when I was younger, I used to have to get into push-up position and get hit on the ass with a baseball bat… by my mother.

>I feel that one of the most life-changing, thought-provoking experiences I have ever had was to throw up bile. Bile looks different than what many people actually vomit, when they do. Something told me it was not a common experience. There’s something about seeing one’s own bile that gives you perspective; teaches you about the frailty of life.

>I am not envious of the rich and the famous. Struggles are what made you who you are today what will make you who you’ve become when you leave this earth.

>Adrenaline is an amazing thing. I once had a surgical procedure done without going under general anesthesia, as normally directed. Pain was present, but adrenaline had my back.

>When I was just 5 years old, my mother decided to spend some money to get me piano lessons with this tyrannic, chubby, Korean lady with a high pitched voice. Mind you, while we were poor I still couldn’t understand why my shirt was priced $1.00 from a place called Goodwill, and a piano lesson was priced at $10 an hour. She would place sheet music in front of me, and I would just go listen to the song on cassette tape and act like i was “reading” the music. I couldn’t understand why she was trying to teach me how to read something when I could hear it in my head and re-play it the same way. I lasted 4 lessons, before the teacher found out(i played a completely different song), and got mad at me and left, refusing to teach me. My mom was so angry at me, but that was the exact moment that I knew music would forever be an important part of my life.

>I have yet to master the art of listening. Maybe if I would just shut the hell up every once in a while. I suppose that my mastering this art will directly correlate with my getting married.

>Living to be 100 is not something I plan to do, nor desire. There are way too many people I’d have to say goodbye to. Then again, i’m not in control of how old I grow, so I guess i’ll just suck it up. I’m just a quarter of the way there, so it seems far enough away to have to worry about it.

>I feel like I’ve learned so much through my own life as well as the lives around me. I’m hoping you feel the same way.

Testimony Update

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Since the fall of 2009, the various graduate school Christian fellowships (Public Health, Medicine, and Nursing) at the Hopkins medical campus have really been moving and shaking in the Hopkins Medical Institute community. Over the course of the month of September, God began bringing numerous individuals into my life. I met a buddy of mine, Stephen, who has in God’s grace been a fervent leader throughout these events. It has been amazing to see God just moving on the campus. Our first event even brought together numerous physicians, professors, and health leaders to Hurd Hall in the Main Hospital. I remember vividly a point that Dr. Ben Carson (who came and attended!) spoke about. Dr. Carson made this point: “In all my years here at Hopkins, I have never seen this many numbers of Christians in any room in the hospital at one time!” I feel like this point encapsulated perfectly the sovereignty and providence of God. He’s really been moving.

In December of 2009, we had a service entitled ‘Light of the World’ in conjunction with the Unified Voices(gospel choir from Baltimore) to celebrate Christmas, and the true meaning of it. I remember that despite everyone’s busy schedule(finals time, the bustle of the holidays, etc.), the service just came together in God’s power and strength. Originally, I was to present a song through singing and piano, but a few days before the event, I was encouraged to share my testimony to the Hopkins community, as we knew that many patients would be there and the service would be broadcast in the patient’s rooms in the Main Hospital. At the time, i didn’t think too much about it, but decided that i’d simply speak about my walk of faith with Christ and my experiences over the past 8 years here at Hopkins.

Then a year later in December 2010, I ended up presenting again at the Medical Institute and shared an updated testimony. I wanted to share this testimony with you all:

MY TESTIMONY

Jae Jin, Johns Hopkins Medical Institute Staff – Jae completed his undergraduate degree at Johns Hopkins University in Public Health with a Voice Minor from the Peabody Conservatory. Upon graduation, he completed further graduate studies at the JHSPH and then began work as an Assistant Director at a community health non-profit in Howard County, Maryland focusing on Health Systems & Outcomes for vulnerable populations for a year. He then came back to the JHMI campus and is now in his second year working as a Center Manager/Supervisor of an NIH-funded P30 Center for Excellence for Cardiovascular Health in Vulnerable Populations. He intends on beginning the MPH/MBA program part time in 2011. He is involved with city/urban outreach as well as music ministry at Faith Christian Fellowship church in Baltimore, MD. He is also a leader for the Public Health Christian Fellowship, a student group member of the CCIH.

I wanted to take some time to share with you briefly of how God has worked miracles in my life and the many ways that He has blessed me, encouraged me, and continues to transform me. He has even broken me down, taking me to the brink of death numerous times, and in His grace and sovereignty, healed and lifted me.

As a believer of Christ, I can’t say I have some sort of answer or completely knowledge about suffering or of God, but I am confident in my need for a relationship with God.

I am especially encouraged and blessed to be able to share how God has moved in my life here at Johns Hopkins.

Speaking from an educational standpoint, I’ve been a student here at Hopkins for almost 8 years now. I came to Baltimore as an Undergraduate at JHU in 2003 and continued graduate studies at the Bloomberg School of Public Health. That being said, I initially came here prior to the education, under much different circumstances. On my 17th birthday, I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune blood-related disorder, and came to Johns Hopkins for the very first time as a pediatric oncology patient. Unable to undergo a bone marrow transplant, with blood counts nearing zero, and literally living day by day through numerous red blood and platelet transfusions, my doctors told me that if left untreated, this illness would lead to rapid death. At the time of diagnosis, they gave me two months to live. As my parents and I began looking into protocols and experimental treatments, an interesting experimental chemotherapy here at Johns Hopkins hospital was brought to our attention.

I knew that there was a variety of other options that were easier to get through, however I knew these would only give me a little bit more time.

While this particular treatment at Hopkins was quite demanding (as evidenced by high incidences in mortality), the protocol doctor assured me that if I were to get through this, it would lead to a durable remission. At the time, while I had gone to church all my life, I didn’t really understand my faith as I do today, especially as it relates to things like grace and what Christ’s death meant for me. I look back and am amazed at how tough those four months that I was inpatient were, especially as I did not, at that specific point in time, have a strong foundational hope for life. Besides merely trying to hang on for the sake of my family, I found myself angry at God and questioning why He was putting me through all this. Eventually, the treatment began working and as I left the hospital, God began moving and shaking in my limited view of my own life. Prior to becoming sick, I had received a congressional nomination to attend Westpoint Academy. After being released from the hospital, I was disqualified for health and began panicking about where I would go after high school. Knowing that my hopes for Westpoint were dashed, I began applying to schools in the area close to the Hopkins Medical Institute and I decided, with no credentials whatsoever, to apply to Hopkins. There were so many factors that worked against me. I was even given notice that they would have to reject me. However, one undergraduate admissions counselor at the time pushed for me (this for no reason that I could think of or comprehend). Eventually, I was offered admission weeks after the other acceptance letters were sent out. Once more, both God’s unmerited favor and His sovereignty were at work.

I look back at my time as an undergraduate at Hopkins as a time of immense suffering and growth. I find myself amazed at all the opportunities God blessed me with, especially as I realize I did not deserve. Having a second chance at living life, I began going out of my way to connect with as many individuals as I could on a deeper level, and was even blessed to be able to serve as Student Council President of my class for a few years. However, even though I found myself surrounded by people, popularity, and privilege, I still felt absolutely unsatisfied and empty. During my 2nd year, I began struggling with my faith and truly challenging myself to know what it is I believed. I tried to satisfy my inner needs of loneliness, insecurity and even fear of death. After much suffering even to the point of losing the fear of death and nearly taking my own life, I fell to my knees and asked God to have my life and do with it what He willed. I came to know Jesus Christ and accept Him as my personal savior. Oftentimes, I’ve heard that in times of suffering, God cuts your legs from under you, just so you are on your knees and you can do nothing else except pray to him. I feel that this was one of those situations. I’m not going to be able to explain how things changed or what exactly happened or occurred, but from that moment on, things began to change. I lost a lot of friends, faced some persecution, but in the end, came to know a satisfaction that was more fulfilling than anything I had tried to pursue before. The change that took place in me was a heart change that the Holy Spirit made that in turn was spilling out.

During my 3rd year, God once again moved and shook in my life. I had been out playing football and instead of coming back home with a few bumps and bruises, I found hematomas all over my body. After further tests, it was found that I was facing the exact same reality I faced five years prior. While the doctors told me that it would be much tougher and I would most likely be in the hospital much longer, I had a calm sense of peace… A peace that came from being able to truly trust God completely and put my life in His hands. The outpouring of love that the Hopkins community gave to me was staggering. My doctors, nurses, fellow students, church members, and even strangers reached out to me. I recall a specific example during all this that truly blew me away. When I was in the hospital for treatment, I remember keeping up a blog online. Obviously friends and acquaintances kept up and many left encouraging messages. However, what amazed me the most was when I would receive emails and messages from people I never knew… some who did not even believe in a higher power. I’d like to share one such excerpt from an email from a Hopkins student that I did not know. It read as follows: “Hi, my name is ___. I’m not sure why I am writing to you but it struck me as odd that you’re so happy and encouraged by your faith in God even when you’re facing the possibility of your own mortality. I’m not sure that I believe in God, but your faith in your God makes me want to know this so called God of yours. You’re in my thoughts. ” I remember bursting into tears, at the irony of God using both someone as lowly as me, as well as a situation as adverse as this, to be able to reach out to someone who did not know God.

I also want to share an interesting distinction that I wrote about in my personal reflections during that time. In a personal journal that I kept, I had drawn two lines. In between the two lines, I had written the words “SAVED by Grace.”

Above the line, I had written: At age 17, I am terrified at the prospect of dying.

Below the line, I had written: At age 20, I am SO homesick for the house of my Father.

During my time in the hospital after the relapse, I remember feeling almost in some way like Paul did. In many ways the suffering that I was going through, was to the point where I wanted to just go and be with Him. What better place is there, than to be in Heaven with God. Even if I was to get better, I would have to come back to a broken world such as this.

That being said, God wasn’t done using me. I have learned and am still continuing to learn that in His sovereignty, He is not done working in and through me. Eventually I was released from the hospital much earlier than expected and after missing a couple years, by His grace, I ended up finishing my studies, only graduating just a year behind.

Up until just a couple months ago, I was still going to the pediatric oncology outpatient clinic every week for various treatments stemming from complications of the chemotherapy. In another example of God’s grace, I have been working here at the medical institute. You may be wondering why that’s been so vital. Money has never driven me in life, but health care costs as an oncology patient have been crazy. That being said, God has even provided financially! The costs last year alone that I would have paid out of pocket had I not been employed by Hopkins would have approached close to $100,000. His grace has abounded in my life in so many ways.

While all of this tells a story of sorts about suffering that many of you may relate to (since everyone suffers), I feel that it carries no value whatsoever as a story in itself. I look back at my short life up to this point, and while many might see it as unfortunate, to me, I feel God’s immense and furious love for me. My relationship with God, or more specifically His love for me, has extended to my relationships with all the individuals that surround me in my everyday life. To be able to love a little bit more deeply is something I am so thankful to have learned. Through the continued love that my family, doctors, nurses, and all those around me show, I also see and feel God’s faithfulness in my life. He has shown me brokenness, where I understand that my life hangs by a thread… literally being in His hands.

Some have brought up the real fact that it must be hard to know that I could very well face getting sick again, but the question I pose to them is whether their own lives are guaranteed. Is tomorrow guaranteed for each and every one of you reading this now?

Furthermore, being in a place like Hopkins or any other institution of higher education can be challenging as well. Oftentimes, we can be tricked into thinking that the basis of our personal worth is in our career, possessions, talents, our reputation, and even our esteem by others. Everyone is constantly telling you how important you are to this place… to this world. But we need to stand firm before God… completely naked. We need to remind ourselves of who we really are. “I am ONE loved by Christ. Every other identity is illusion.” I feel that we are called to live our lives every day to the fullest, with love. 1 John 4:10 says that “We Love, because He first loved us.”

When we experience suffering, oftentimes, we don’t exactly know why God should allow it. Sometimes, we find out later on down the road these reasons and are able to see God’s providence, but the answer to suffering while it is happening really has no answer beyond just holding on and trusting in the assurance given to us in Romans 8:28 that God’s providence is always at work, even though we may not perceive it at that very moment. It’s not always easy to accept. But we also have the ultimate testimonial in Jesus Christ to look toward. Furthermore, even with all that has happened in my short life thus far, without the light of Jesus Christ, my life would not shine as it does. Before I came to know Christ, my sufferings held no meaning or purpose. Many could have simply limited these things as an unfortunate series of events. Through the light of Christ, I have come to joyfully suffer, trusting in God’s sovereignty, providence, and faithfulness. I would challenge you to define yourself radically as one beloved by God.

Thank you.

-Jae Jin