It’s Valentine’s Day 2012. While I feel that my maturity, at least as it relates to relationships, is growing with each passing February 14th, I came to a pretty poignant realization in the past few months: I don’t deserve her.
Who is ‘her’, you ask? Gentlemen, ‘her’ is the typical female friend in your life. Yea, that one that you are not dating. The one you enjoy companionship with. The one you enjoy texting when you’re feeling lonely or wanting to converse with the opposite sex. The one you’ll meet up with from time to time. The one you flirt with for the thrill of it. It may not even be one, it might be many. Sadly, whether we’ll admit it or not, it’s the one we’re “dating” but without any of the commitment.
I am selfish. I guess I always knew that. I could twist this around in so many ways saying that it’s just human nature and that I’m just doing my best, but all that would simply be efforts to bullshit my way out of admitting that I don’t deserve her.
Since I am still young, I feel that I am not ready to throw aside the things I want to do in my life. If I were to enter into a relationship, I’m sure that I would love deeply and would probably allow it to become a higher priority than what might be best for me in my singleness. But because of these various deliberations and logic, I have probably misled many wonderful females I have had the pleasure of coming across in my life.
This so-called dysfunctional relationship actually isn’t so rare when I look around at many around me. We, as men, need to step up as gentlemen and stop treating these females as placeholders. While it may deceptively seem like both parties are benefiting from this convenient “friendship” of sorts, I’d have to sadly admit that we’re just blind. We’re just feeding a relationship that in essence benefits us, and we don’t even care about the long-term repercussions. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the following statement from one of my male friends: “yo, we’re just friends” or “dude, she’s like a sister to me.” I know that I’ve been guilty of saying this in response to passing inquiries as well.
So why is there a dire need for this so-called “wake-up call”? Because the risk lies in not just a convenient relationship with your “just friend” but rather in her heart and the vulnerability that encases it.
I know so many females with wonderful hearts. These very same women are expecting males around them to make the first move and as these very same women grow older, they’re bound to weigh the actions of their male friends when all these men are doing are feeding their own egos.
We, as gentlemen, need to stop feeding our own egos and stop passively advocating these single women to waste their time on us if we’re not romantically interested. That being said, if you are really interested in your female friend, stop being a coward and pursue her. Otherwise, end the quasi-friendship and MAN up. I’ll guarantee you that even though you are “just friends” when you end this, it will feel like a deep breakup. And even more so if you really care for the girl. Either way, taking this step is definitely a difficult one, but it is a step that needs to be taken.
It’s a sad realization i’ve come to, but it is one that reminds me that I’m a broken guy in need of a lot of Grace and though I fail, I’m growing and becoming a better human being. In carrying on these so-called quasi-relationships, I haven’t just been stealing her time and attention, I’ve been stealing the love and emotional intimacy that she should be reserving for her future love interest. And this is why I don’t deserve her.
hey dude, really enjoyed this…..easy to forget sometimes what it really means to man up….
Great post! Yes, a true man would never play with the heart of a woman… on purpose or even unknowingly.
Such an excellent post. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a man admit this and it’s refreshing to read.
I feel as though, in these situations, the women are usually “blamed” for being the ones that get emotionally attached … and it’s difficult when men seem to get away with the “oh, I didn’t know” excuse. So, thanks for this. Best wishes!
Hey Shanella, I appreciate your feedback.
While I admire your honesty and truth, I also disagree somewhat. Having been the woman on the other side, if that man is truly a dear friend whom the woman has grown to love, it would be more cowardice for either person to flee from the situation than to stay and work it out as a loving friendship (according to what true love is as in 1 Corinthians 13). I cannot speak to what you have specifically been through or what others have done, but I do know how I felt in my situation and I know that if I lost that man as a friend, then I would have suffered much more. It’s not an easy road to balance the “happy medium” but love is love, and I think this world needs more love as a result of true friendship…loving with no strings attached. Just loving as Christ loved without an expectation of getting something in return…so I try to never hold back and then must trust God to handle the rest, especially our human emotions.
While I agree that any long lasting friendship requires work and steadfastness, when it comes to a guy-girl friendship, it may not be so easy to “stay and work it out”, especially when feelings are involved. I think one can stay in the friendship only when clear boundaries and intentions are stated, otherwise, brotherly love can be easily misinterpreted when the lines have not been clearly drawn.
This post comes at a timely time, Jae. Many of my friends and I have been speaking on this topic of guarding our hearts. In all honestly, this post does not just apply to men. Us women do the same thing to our awesome guy friends, who in our minds we have put in the friend zone long ago, but love the attention we receive from them and do not make our intentions and feelings known at the outset. Not to say that relationships cannot be formed from relationships, sometimes that is the best way. But no matter what, it is always good to guard one another’s hearts – and it goes both ways.
Hey Katie! Thanks so much for your poignant response. I definitely agree with the points you have outlined. As this was a shorter post, I didn’t go into the varying dimensions, but I was indeed focusing on the aspect of intentionality. I definitely believe there can be great friendships of love between platonic friends. I was arguing more about the importance of intentionality especially so as to protect the other person’s heart. I think when it comes to marriage, one of most important aspects must be each side’s willingness to protect the other’s heart. That, of course, isn’t mutually exclusive from the entire concept that God will indeed be sovereign over all. Even as humans, we’ll fail, but He will redeem and as broken beings, we will rely upon only Him. Really appreciate your thoughts and opinions! Thank you!
I do agree with you as well, that it always depends on the intent of our actions and how we present them to other people. We must be clear with the other person and respect one another enough to protect eachother’s hearts. I guess your post just hit close to home and I just felt moved to share my thoughts about my personal situation. None of us really deserve any love that we recieve but that’s the beautiful thing about it…it’s a gift that we recieve from God. It is really easy to be overcome with fear or to have doubt hold us back from giving others love, but we must always know where we recieve that love from in the first place. (1 John 4: 18-19) Thank YOU, once again for always being so honest and vulnerable in your posts! I always enjoy reading what you have to say.